Mixed feelings......oh i really hate it

People around me will never understand why i hated to see you so much. It's not that i hate you. It's not that i don't actually love you anymore. It's just that i don't want to be reminded by memories. Whenever i hear your name I will subconsciously think about those times together. It wasn't that long that i've met you but you have affected me so much. It's like i thought you will be like those other guys that i kinda have a crush on and i move on to the next one. But this situation is so different, you're so different. You make me feel so different. 

When the day we stopped talking, i told myself " jazlyn, this is just a phase in life. People leave you hanging like that. People just leave you without any reason. Maybe it's because they don't feel anything for you anymore. Maybe i'm just boring and maybe i'm not what you wanted. Maybe it's time for you to move on. It's your new beginning."  Yea so i thought it was like how my old friends left me hanging, because they hated me, because i'm disgusting maybe i'm just not their type of person they would want to hang out/be with. 

So i tried my very best to forget you. I was so tempted to delete your number, the photos together and take those pictures out from my cockboard. But i just couldn't. I didn't have the strength to. Okay so i thought to myself that it's alright to just leave it there, maybe a reminder to myself that people leave and i had to deal with it.

 I cried like fuck whenever i hear songs that relate to us but when days went pass i stopped feeling sad anymore and i thought that i've forgotten you. I thought i could be happy without anything that got to do with you. I'm so wrong. When i saw you these days i felt a stinging pain in my heart. My heart knows i couldn't get over it. i know i miss you i know i still kinda kinda kinda  love you but i just want to avoid you so much. I just want to dig a hole anywhere just to not see you. Thinking about it hurts so much. 

I thought how can you see me without feeling anything. How could you not hurt as much as me. I don't know. Oh and the texts came again. I felt the same like how i received last time. But this time its not only the feeling of butterflies in my tummy but a little of anger. How can i not have some self control. How can i let you hurt me again. But i took a chance again. I love you so please, please don't hurt me anymore. 

what hurts the most is when you give your all to someone, you're there for them no matter what and one day they just give up and they don't even want to fight for you. They left with no hesitation, no looking back, like how the hell do you even do it?

I wish we never met and never started talking. I want nothing to do with you. I never want to talk to you again. I never want to see you again. I want you out of my life for good. I want to forget every single thing I know about you. I wish I could take back every word I ever said to you. I don’t want to know you anymore. But it's so hard to forget. How can i ever forget how you made me feel?

I am so afraid of losing someone close to me again. That particular name just make me think of all those memories that ended up into a fucking pack of lies. You don't understand how it feels to be betrayed by the one you love. Your lover, your friends who turned their backs against you. I've been through so much heartaches. The friends that promised that they will never leave you no matter what happen left me so quickly without battering their eyelids.  It's not that i don't trust you, it's that i don't trust my feelings. They come and go. Sadness, paranoia, anxiety, frustration, they make me think so much. And i really thought i was over this whole fucking situation but after this, i know i am not. I am just finding solutions to forget, but never to get over it. Tell me what to do, when i have no one to tell? I don't know but it's really not nice to crack jokes about things i got hurt before, things that i'm insecure about. Maybe it's funny to you but it's definitely not to me. I don't like to be reminded about certain things i already am. Nobody understands me, not me either

Remembering is something that i wish that never happen to me. Tonight is the night where i start thinking too much, a little too much. I don't know what's happening to me. I tend to avoid too much eye contact when someone look at me into the eyes because i feel like they are going to see through what i'm feeling. I'm so afraid that they ask if i'm okay because i'm gonna break down. I'm so afraid i can't even answer the question. I know my voice will shake when i say i'm okay because i would be lying through my teeth. All the people i'm not close to anymore, all the good things that happen turned out to be just memories. It's a awful mix feeling between loneliness and nostalgia. I'm so sorry that everything changed. I've lost every fucking thing. I don't need to be happy but at least take away the pain for me. I can't maintain this smile anymore, i'm losing myself.

I hate this whole situation. You made it sound like i still love him. You make me sound so vulnerable, you make me sound so weak. I don't love him anymore. It's not that i don't want to interfere with this whole thing but i'm just too lazy to listen. It's not that i don't want to listen to him explain and hear his side of the story but i don't know how i will react if i did so. Because i don't want to be that bad person anymore. For my whole life i had been labelled as a bad person for making the wrong judgments and all i did was regret. I don't want to be put in that stupid spot. You don't know how difficult it is to be me. You just don't know how difficult this whole shit is. I am breaking down and you don't even know it. I am just too tired to care. I just know that i don't want to make any mistakes anymore. You don't know how many mistakes i have made and you don't know how much blame i put on myself. You have no idea how it is to drown in your fucking thoughts all the time. You guys are so important to me and as for him, i miss him too.

So there's this hashtag in twitter about to my future kids and since i'm bored now i shall write a post about it.
So let's start with if my child is a son.
I will let him do whatever he wants in his childhood. But obviously, control and self discipline is needed. I wouldn't want to get a call from his teacher about him getting into a fight or anything like that. But if i really did, I will not be like parents who just start scolding or beating them for being a disappointment for fighting or beating other kids up.
I would ask " why did you do it " and explain why is it wrong for him to do it. Because kids don't understand how the " parents care " system work. You got to first understand why did they start fighting. Even if how the reasons are like " Cause that boy likes my girl or cause that boy is wearing crocs so i got to beat him up " You still got to show some support in the sense that even if the whole world is against you mommy is still here for you even though the reasons for you fighting is pretty fucked up. 


So secondly, if my child is a daughter and one day she is stung stained with insecurity begging " mom, will i be pretty? " I will wipe that question from her mouth with her lipgloss on and answer " no, the word is pretty is unworthy of everything you will be and no child of mine will be contained in five letters. You will be pretty intelligent,pretty amazing,fucking beautiful but you will never be merely pretty " 


I will never ever compare my kids to anybody out there. I will never use words like " you're just a burden to mommy " Words hurts. I don't care if it's words spurted out with anger or disappointment because those hurtful words may haunt them for their entire life. I don't want my kids to be anything like me cause mommy is really fucked up.
And even though i'm not a mom yet, To my future kids, I fucking love you.